Please don't stop the music.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Oh god.

Why do I feel like I have to make a really important decision now? It's like, you know there's this song, "Torn between two lovers". But for me, it's like torn between two groups of friends. I guess I do have to make a choice. There's no such thing as no choice, as I was proving to Tan Yan Ting. So there is always a choice, and once you make that choice, I guess there's no turning back. It's like, I don't ever want to regret any decision I make, though I know I've made some really bad ones in the past, and have made some more this year. But then you just know that you don't want to do something. So I've decided to think about it.

You see, there's group A. You know I used to be one of them. I had fun times with them, I admit. But then it got bad. I made a decision, I chose to back out. It could have been the smartest of decisions, some might say. But I didn't know, because I couldn't make up my mind on whether it was the right thing to do or not. SOMEONE would say that it was the best of decisions, because that someone did the same thing. And that someone never regretted it for a single second. And look at that someone now. So happy and carefree, enjoying life with a new bunch of friends. But then I know that talking to this group of people can be real nice, and yet it can be real horrible.

Because talking to somebody can be really tiring. The feeling when somebody just says so many things to bring you down, to push you further and further. And I don't mean forward, I mean the type where you're being pushed so much that suddenly you feel like you're enclosed in a shell. You have so little self esteem, you don't even dare to come out of that shell. And that's exactly the reason I backed out. I felt much better, but there's always this feeling that I could be regretting it. I guess it's because I always feel so nice talking to them. But there was always a wall between us. The wall that never opened. And yet it opened for another person so easily, probably at the speed of sound or light or whatever. And I asked myself a simple question, Do I really want to be with people who can't even trust me? That's plainly the erason why I backed out.

You know, trust is an important thing in a relationship. And for people who aren't mentally mature yet I'm not talking about a BGR or whatever. You know a relationship can mean a friendship, for your information. Back to my point, if there is no trust, how is a relationaship supposed to work out. I guess this has to be mutual. I could have opened so much, and yet I was pushed down. This stupid thing is the main problem of the whole problem. And it concerns other people too.

Then there's group B. These people are probably the most fun people I know in nanhua. I have such a great time talking to them, I don't know why I'm so confused with this thing. You know I should be choosing this group of people, but there's still the issue of trust. I have good reason to believe that I'm not being trusted, I guess that's why then. I can't be trusted, that's why.

And you know why I'm so confused? Because I know that choosing either one of them is mandatory if I ever want to have real friends. I can't be friends with everybody, not when they don't even like each other. And I certainly can't be a peacemaker, not when our class has been broken into little pieces. There's no such thing as being close with everybody in our class, JieJun. You have to face that fact. This class cannot be saved already. Because there's bound to be hate somewhere. Misunderstandings, people who think they're so damn smart. I'm not even going to try to tell people how to change themselves, because it's up to them if they want to change. All we can do is just to tell them how we feel, not how we want them to feel and what we want them to become. Now when somebody does that, I just get real sick. I get sick looking at people who tell others what to do. People who are so manipulative, shame on yourself.

Don't bother asking me who I'm talking about, because I think it's real obvious who I'm talking about. But I don't mind a few guesses, a little entertainment won't hurt. Okay that was contradictory.

daNIel

8:24 PM